Thursday, November 7, 2013

The actor's life for me?

I guess it's time that I finally admit why I moved to Chicago and how it's not everything I imagined...

I packed my life in the Summer of 2012 to move to Chicago with my boyfriend to be an actor. I bid a farewell to everything I know, love and care for, and I left. I took all the progress I made to rebuild myself from a previous hardship and packed it, along with the young woman I thought had reached her potential as a strong, functional human being, into my Chevy Cobalt and drove 12.5 hours in the middle of the night in hopes to start a budding career in acting. Because when you're an actor that's what you do...right? You move away from home because no actor can ever live at home, be comfortable and happy AND be an actor...right? I had been telling everyone my plan was to work a year out of college in a "real life" job to save money and then I was leaving, I was moving,  and when i say everyone, I mean e-ver-ry-one...I probably told you. So, I HAD to do that...right?

................................

Yeah, wrong...I know. It was a very rushed decision. I was moving with my boyfriend. In theory, it was magical and exciting. But since we're being honest, I'll tell you that the entire drive to Chicago, I kind of knew that this move wasn't for me. I mean I'm the girl who spent her entire young adult life dreaming of living in NYC and drinking Cosmopolitans and wearing Jimmy Choo's (how I was going to do this on an actor's salary is beyond me), what on earth was I doing driving to the Midwest to LIVE. Yeeeesh, Ness. Get it together! But yeah, I did it. And here I am on my couch, in Chicago, sharing it with you fine folks. I'm sad and I miss home. I'm working 8hrs a day in a job that, while I am grateful to have, is not in the field of any of my interests. And I haven't set foot on a stage since June 22, 2013 at approximately 12:00 am.

About a month ago, I decided that I was giving up on acting. I remember the night. I went to see my boyfriend (who has been relatively successful here in Chicago, acting wise) in a play he was doing, and he was fantastic. And for some reason, I felt that since I was struggling so hard to succeed, why not just let this be his dream. Let him shine. I'll be, like, his manager or something. Now, if you know me, I am no background dancer, but I had given up. I was masking it in selfless love, but it was really self hate. I wanted to stop trying, and this was my out. I was actually excited about this. I AM A GOOD MANAGER. I am so organized! Yeah, I was reaching. But if you understood, how for months, I had forgotten anything I was good at. I was too busy trying to convince myself to wake up and go to work in the morning to remember that I was actually worth something. Ish this is all so depressing, and I am sorry. But if you're going to understand where I am coming from, and where I am going, and where I hope you'll go with me, you have to know where I've been. It's gonna get better though, I wont have it any other way. Keep reading, here it comes....

Fast forward to Monday. I received an email from a theatre company I auditioned for in August, inviting me to read for a great role in a wonderful show being produced here in Chicago. WUT. I AM NOT AN ACTOR ANYMORE, GUYS! Did they not get the memo!? But uh oh. What's that I feel...is that...excitement?? It is...I am excited. And that other thing, what do you call it, oh yeah, hope. I'm hopeful. These are two emotions I haven't felt in months! I am also so scared, though, because things just haven't been going my way, and acting is just a bunch of no and a little yes, and I am just not prepared to hear another no, yet I know, it is a very strong possibility.

Back to the question at hand. The actor's life for me? Can I do this? I really don't know. What I do know is that I have spent the greater part of this week reviewing sides, practicing a dialect and reading a new script. I have imagined myself in the role, and I have loved every minute of it. I also know that it is 9:42pm, and I have now missed the first 42 minutes of Scandal and that is NOT okay. Lastly, I know that there is a glass of wine with my name on it and that IS okay.

The actor's life for me? I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

Thanks for listening, guys. I have some less self involved posts in the works for you in the coming days. So please stay tuned!

Cheers <3

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