I have so many ambitions and dreams floating around in my head and they meet somewhere in the middle of excitement and absolute terror, which leads me to believe I am either completely sane or absolutely crazy.
When every thing equals NO how do you turn it into a YES?
Okay, so, I know that I was very forthright with sharing my intentions to leave Chicago. Not an easy choice, but just something I feel needs to be done to claim my sanity back again. I have always had a dream that often times I feel is too cliche to share with the world, but you know what, 2014 is the year of ME, so I'm gonna say it....I want to live in New York. And no not because I think I am going to move there and be the next Patina Miller. It's because I want to move there and be the next Carrie Bradshaw....just kidding, but not really. I want to move there because I want to. Yeah, that's why. Because I need to. Because it's all i've talked about for like...ever. I want to struggle and I want to succeed. I actually yearn for the opportunity to feel that I am sacrificing everything for my dream. I am so bored that it pains me. Life is only going to get harder and filled with more responsibility. It may sound delusional, but it's something I have wanted for so long.
I have wanted to live in NYC since I was 8 years old and my mom let me run free in FAO Schwarz. We used to visit so often when I was a kid. My mom gave up a lot of her dreams for me (one of the many reasons I will not insult her with throwing mine away), but she shared so much of her culture and creativity with me. Making sure that I experienced the magic that is NYC at a young age is one of the many, many ways she made me the woman I am proud to be.
|Mommy and I in NY in 2009|
There is an energy there. It's where I belong, and I know it. Yes, I will admit that I want Carrie Bradshaw's life. I will also admit I know that it is probably not going to happen. Every struggle will be worth it. When you are where you are supposed to be, things work. I have to believe that.
|It's just what I want OKAYYYY|
It's hard to articulate, but I know that I will resent myself if I don't at least attempt. The most frustrating thing is people reminding me how expensive NYC is. You don't think I know that? I mean I do appreciate the concern. But after my extensive research I have been doing for about three years now, I know as much as anyone, that when I find a one bedroom anywhere under $2000, I can pretty much expect the room to be the size of a luxurious walk in closet. But at this point, I'd take it. That's what people aren't getting. I. KNOW. I know it is going to be hard, I know I can't "afford" it. I also know I am not the first person to go to NY with a dollar and dream. I'll be honest when I say I am not even sure what I want for myself, in a lot of ways, anymore. Am I an actor? Am I? Or was it just a really awesome hobby I had for a lot of my adolescence?
One thing is for sure though. I am a communicator. I am an enthusiast. I am critic. I am friend. I am a brand. I am a lover. I am hardworking. I am passionate. I am learned. I am determined. I will do whatever it takes to get anything I set my mind to done. I moved to Chicago with not a single job in sight, no real friends, and not too much to look forward to, but I have survived for what will be almost 2 years come May. And I did it with my money, and my hard work. It would be remiss of me to not mention my Love, and acknowledge him for all of the love and support, but I did a lot on my own. My rent has been paid on time. I did that. So who is going to sit here and tell me that I can't do it again? No one.
(p.s. this was really written to that voice in my head that keeps telling me that I can't do this. Excuse my hostility.)
Love you all. These are the rants I warned you about! (yeesh, this was such a stream of conscious.)
Being a twenty something sure is fun right?
I think my next post is going to be "How to dig yourself out of that quarter life crisis"